07.15.2012

We’ve had a little spam problem: Beginning a few weeks ago, mosthorriblethingever.com’s email inboxes have been absolutely overrun with spam. Cheap ways to renovate your bathroom. Offers for upgraded business phones. Useless stuff. Our bathrooms and phones are fine. Well, phone. Employees share a single office phone. They also share a single office toi … Anyways, I don’t use email myself, but I do have to hear people complain. Our engineers traced it back to a secret server farm in an abandoned Latvian nuclear missile silo. Turns out they’re actually the “Digital Product Interest Enhancement” division of mosthorriblethingever, and our email addresses had been sold by mistake to them by some of our Albanian “business associates.” They’d spoofed our servers, so the spam was actually coming from inside our building. Awkwaaaaard. There’s gonna be a lot of red faces and fleeting eye contact at the next mosthorriblethingever.com executive retreat, let me tell you. Source • Comment • Reply

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06.04.2012

If they weren’t Good, they’d probably be really evil: Good Magazine, founded and run by a trustfunder publishing scion who’s — let’s just be honest here — better than you tweeted that “we lost great people” on Friday. We were like, did you check in the couch cushions? Maybe cofounder Al Gore III drove off with them at 110MPH in his Prius to buy some Adderal? Turns out they actually didn’t misplace them at all. They fired the living fuck out of virtually everyone. Right after a big party. Hope those staffers took home some of the gluten-free, vegan organic hemp-seed crackers from the hors d’oeuvres table. Though, like we should talk. Mosthorriblethingever.com lays off people all time, though we prefer to send them an e mail at home, remove their desk and then deny they ever worked here. Employees know not to ask any questions. Just stare straight ahead. Then again, we don’t have “Good” in our name. Anyways, good luck, Good, with your mission of being better than us. And remember, to lose one employee is tragedy. To lose all of them is carelessness. Source • Comment • Reply

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06.01.2012

To serve man: We incorrectly predicted a few days ago that this this site had finally run out of material, thanks to a Florida man ingesting bath salts and going on a crazy, face-eating berserker rage. Really, haven’t we all tried to eat a face now and again? However, as they say in our biz, three is a trend. For instance, in Baltimore, what we can only presume was an out-of-control “Wizard of Oz” fan dismembered a victim and ate his heart and brain. And, in Canada, cops are hunting for a gay porn star who switched from “man eating” to man eating by chopping up and snacking on his boyfriend. We can only conclude that cannibalism is the new hotness, like Thai food in the 90s. Next week Rachael Ray will be preparing liver, with fava beans and a nice chianti. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.28.2012

Brutal murderer to get a good talkin’ to: If the ruthless slaughter of thousands of civilians in Syria has got you down, don’t fret. UN envoy Kofi Annan unveiled a new standup act that should cheer you up. “I intend to have serious and frank discussions with President Bashar Al-Assad,” Annan told reporters, apparently without somehow laughing. He added, “I urge the government to take bold steps to signal that it is serious in its intention to resolve this crisis peacefully,” no doubt causing dozens of seasoned foreign correspodents to roll their eyes. He also took time to note that the Syrian government is investigating an attack by Syrian troops that left dozens dead, including 54 children, as the assembled crowd glanced awkwardly at each other, waiting as the silence grew ever longer for him to indicate he’d just told a joke. Reporters then headed to their cubicles to file stores as if something had just happened. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.27.2012

Why we will never have to resort to making stuff up: Actual lead paragraph from a news story: “According to published reports, Miami Police shot and killed a man off the MacArthur Causeway when they caught him eating another man’s face Saturday afternoon.” Our work is done here. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.25.2012

The Times-Picayune, they are a changin’: After years of companies like Apple, Facebook and Amazon hogging the conversation everytime the word “innovation” was mentioned, another company, an old-line media company that publishes the New Orleans Times-Picayune, has shown us what true innovation means. Following their lead, mosthorriblethingever.com is announcing that we will be greatly improving the quality of this site by laying off most of the staff that provides our content and then making our content harder to find for a significant portion of our loyal audience. We feel this innovative business model will position us to be a healthy, growing company. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.23.2012

Nice try, but no dice: We’d like to congratulate Hewlett-Packard for attempting to break mosthorriblethingever.com’s longstanding record for the most layoffs announced in a single day by a tech company. While it would seem Yahoo or AOL would have an inside track on finally topping our record, don’t count plucky also-rans like Dell out. Anyways, massive layoffs are so Internet 1.0. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.23.2012

You’ve done it now, Mark Zuckerberg: Sure the stocks falling, Jim Cramer’s apoplectic, etc. It’s clear you screwed up royal by taking Facebook public. Strange thing, everyone’s fixated on the stock price — but not your real mistake. We too saw dollar signs and took mosthorriblethingever.com public a few years back. The stock plummeted. (Still falling!) But worse than that, suddenly every time the board gave me a new Ferrari bought with pension funds, the stockholders sued. Every time Latvian gangsters misused credit card numbers we sold them, the FBI would sniff around. Every time I shorted millions of shares ahead of a quarterly loss, the SEC would indict. No, Mark, the days of you and Facebook execs rolling around naked and covered in oil in user’s private info are over. Like us, you will realize too late. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.18.2012

Facebook IPO — that takes us back: A few years back, mosthorriblethingever had a chance to buy 15 percent of Facebook for a very small investment. Today, it would be worth billions. At the time, I was just not sold on the “book” idea. “Nobody reads these days,” I said. “Go to a coffee shop. Everyone is on their laptop or iPhone. Books are a dead end.” I stand by this assessment. It was a gutsy call then, and today with billions on the line, I still stand by it. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.18.2012

Facebook IPO — that takes us back: A few years back, mosthorriblethingever had a chance to buy 15 percent of Facebook for a very small investment. Today, it would be worth billions. At the time, I was just not sold on the “book” idea. “Nobody reads these days,” I said. “Go to a coffee shop. Everyone is on their laptop or iPhone. Books are a dead end.” I stand by this assessment. It was a gutsy call then, and today with billions on the line, I still stand by it. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.16.2012

Somewhere that’s green: Robert Downey Jr. is set to earn as much as $50 million from his role in “The Avengers” thanks to clever deal-making by his agent. I make at least that much from my work here at mosthorriblethingever. It’s due less to my contract and more to a secret bank account my corporate owners and the IRS don’t know about. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.16.2012

A window into our probable future: A few months ago, Google released a video for its Glass project that wowed people with augmented-reality wonderfulness. Now, they admit they just made shit up. “It’s still too early to know what the functions and UI will be,” a Googleite told Wired. We here at mosthorriblethingever.com found this video deeply inspiring. So, here’s a blog post that’s a “demo reel” of upcoming projects on this site. 1) Kittens that can fly using jetpacks. 2) An iPhone app that transforms any video of Betty White into an oiled-up chick in a bikini firing a minigun in slo-mo. 3) A fully armed and operational lightsaber. The best part is they are all compatible with Google Glass. Source • Comment • Reply

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05.15.2012

We’ll do it, by god: As I like to remind mosthorriblethingever.com employees at the start of every meeting, this is a failing website. Typically, I blame them, but that’s really for their benefit. Fact is, I blame you, our readers. Actually, our 6 billion nonreaders. What to do to get hits, then? We’ve tried snark. We’ve tried vulgarity. We’ve even tried being nice to potential readers. Just kidding on that last one. I guess we’re gonna have to make this a site with nothing but cat videos. Source • Comment • Reply

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