most horrible thing ever:home

03.06.13

07.15.2012

We’ve had a little spam problem: Beginning a few weeks ago, mosthorriblethingever.com’s email inboxes have been absolutely overrun with spam. Cheap ways to renovate your bathroom. Offers for upgraded business phones. Useless stuff. Our bathrooms and phones are fine. Well, phone. Employees share a single office phone. They also share a single office toi … Anyways, I don’t use email myself, but I do have to hear people complain. Our engineers traced it back to a secret server farm in an abandoned Latvian nuclear missile silo. Turns out they’re actually the “Digital Product Interest Enhancement” division of mosthorriblethingever, and our email addresses had been sold by mistake to them by some of our Albanian “business associates.” They’d spoofed our servers, so the spam was actually coming from inside our building. Awkwaaaaard. There’s gonna be a lot of red faces and fleeting eye contact at the next mosthorriblethingever.com executive retreat, let me tell you. Source CommentReply

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this is the body text Comment

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samhundley.com

Portfolio of a talented designer, artist and illustrator.

inevitableriseofthemachines.com

The only Web site brave enough to tell the truth about The Robots.

davidputney.com

Blogs and articles brought to you by Cyberdyne Defense Dynamics.

shortformblog.com

It's the daily news, only way, way, way, way shorter.

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We’ve always liked “2001: A Space Odyssey,” even though the big fight scene in the middle is a little too short and the romantic subplot and car chase at the end feel tacked on. Comment

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Sherman Hemsley found long shelf life as beloved sitcom character George Jefferson. He’s less remembered for this. And that’s a good thing fo everyone involved. Comment

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This video combines two of our favorite things: “Star Wars” and complaining about how “Star Wars” has been ruined. But for once it isn’t George Lucas’ fault. Then again, he could have sued to stop this. Comment

"star wars" "call me maybe"

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A fat naked Swedish man peeing off a dock almost gets eaten by a bear — and all of it captured with an iPad video camera. Steve Jobs had these magic moments in mind when he invented it. Comment

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As long as Microsoft and video cameras exist, we will never run out of material. So, uh, yeah, there’s this. It’s from a Norwegian Microsoft developers conference. Sure, the mosthorriblethingever.com developers conference last year was nothing BUT dick jokes. But we only do blue after 11:30. Comment

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06.04.2012

If they weren’t Good, they’d probably be really evil: Good Magazine, founded and run by a trustfunder publishing scion who’s — let’s just be honest here — better than you tweeted that “we lost great people” on Friday. We were like, did you check in the couch cushions? Maybe cofounder Al Gore III drove off with them at 110MPH in his Prius to buy some Adderal? Turns out they actually didn’t misplace them at all. They fired the living fuck out of virtually everyone. Right after a big party. Hope those staffers took home some of the gluten-free, vegan organic hemp-seed crackers from the hors d’oeuvres table. Though, like we should talk. Mosthorriblethingever.com lays off people all time, though we prefer to send them an e mail at home, remove their desk and then deny they ever worked here. Employees know not to ask any questions. Just stare straight ahead. Then again, we don’t have “Good” in our name. Anyways, good luck, Good, with your mission of being better than us. And remember, to lose one employee is tragedy. To lose all of them is carelessness. Source CommentReply

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06.01.2012

To serve man: We incorrectly predicted a few days ago that this this site had finally run out of material, thanks to a Florida man ingesting bath salts and going on a crazy, face-eating berserker rage. Really, haven’t we all tried to eat a face now and again? However, as they say in our biz, three is a trend. For instance, in Baltimore, what we can only presume was an out-of-control “Wizard of Oz” fan dismembered a victim and ate his heart and brain. And, in Canada, cops are hunting for a gay porn star who switched from “man eating” to man eating by chopping up and snacking on his boyfriend. We can only conclude that cannibalism is the new hotness, like Thai food in the 90s. Next week Rachael Ray will be preparing liver, with fava beans and a nice chianti. Source CommentReply

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05.28.2012

Brutal murderer to get a good talkin’ to: If the ruthless slaughter of thousands of civilians in Syria has got you down, don’t fret. UN envoy Kofi Annan unveiled a new standup act that should cheer you up. “I intend to have serious and frank discussions with President Bashar Al-Assad,” Annan told reporters, apparently without somehow laughing. He added, “I urge the government to take bold steps to signal that it is serious in its intention to resolve this crisis peacefully,” no doubt causing dozens of seasoned foreign correspodents to roll their eyes. He also took time to note that the Syrian government is investigating an attack by Syrian troops that left dozens dead, including 54 children, as the assembled crowd glanced awkwardly at each other, waiting as the silence grew ever longer for him to indicate he’d just told a joke. Reporters then headed to their cubicles to file stores as if something had just happened. Source CommentReply

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05.27.2012

Why we will never have to resort to making stuff up: Actual lead paragraph from a news story: “According to published reports, Miami Police shot and killed a man off the MacArthur Causeway when they caught him eating another man’s face Saturday afternoon.” Our work is done here. Source CommentReply

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05.25.2012

The Times-Picayune, they are a changin’: After years of companies like Apple, Facebook and Amazon hogging the conversation everytime the word “innovation” was mentioned, another company, an old-line media company that publishes the New Orleans Times-Picayune, has shown us what true innovation means. Following their lead, mosthorriblethingever.com is announcing that we will be greatly improving the quality of this site by laying off most of the staff that provides our content and then making our content harder to find for a significant portion of our loyal audience. We feel this innovative business model will position us to be a healthy, growing company. Source CommentReply

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This is mosthorriblethingever.com’s site metrics report this morning. Apparently our content management system is the only thing around here willing to speak the truth. Though, if we have no popular entries, what are we paying the writing staff for? Comment

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Ok, so technically, he isn’t the first person to jump out of a plane without a parachute, or the first to jump and survive. Still, the last thing we saw falling that fast was mosthoriblethingever.com’s market cap. Comment

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05.23.2012

Nice try, but no dice: We’d like to congratulate Hewlett-Packard for attempting to break mosthorriblethingever.com’s longstanding record for the most layoffs announced in a single day by a tech company. While it would seem Yahoo or AOL would have an inside track on finally topping our record, don’t count plucky also-rans like Dell out. Anyways, massive layoffs are so Internet 1.0. Source CommentReply

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05.23.2012

You’ve done it now, Mark Zuckerberg: Sure the stocks falling, Jim Cramer’s apoplectic, etc. It’s clear you screwed up royal by taking Facebook public. Strange thing, everyone’s fixated on the stock price — but not your real mistake. We too saw dollar signs and took mosthorriblethingever.com public a few years back. The stock plummeted. (Still falling!) But worse than that, suddenly every time the board gave me a new Ferrari bought with pension funds, the stockholders sued. Every time Latvian gangsters misused credit card numbers we sold them, the FBI would sniff around. Every time I shorted millions of shares ahead of a quarterly loss, the SEC would indict. No, Mark, the days of you and Facebook execs rolling around naked and covered in oil in user’s private info are over. Like us, you will realize too late. Source CommentReply

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05.18.2012

Facebook IPO — that takes us back: A few years back, mosthorriblethingever had a chance to buy 15 percent of Facebook for a very small investment. Today, it would be worth billions. At the time, I was just not sold on the “book” idea. “Nobody reads these days,” I said. “Go to a coffee shop. Everyone is on their laptop or iPhone. Books are a dead end.” I stand by this assessment. It was a gutsy call then, and today with billions on the line, I still stand by it. Source CommentReply

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05.18.2012

Facebook IPO — that takes us back: A few years back, mosthorriblethingever had a chance to buy 15 percent of Facebook for a very small investment. Today, it would be worth billions. At the time, I was just not sold on the “book” idea. “Nobody reads these days,” I said. “Go to a coffee shop. Everyone is on their laptop or iPhone. Books are a dead end.” I stand by this assessment. It was a gutsy call then, and today with billions on the line, I still stand by it. Source CommentReply

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05.16.2012

Somewhere that’s green: Robert Downey Jr. is set to earn as much as $50 million from his role in “The Avengers” thanks to clever deal-making by his agent. I make at least that much from my work here at mosthorriblethingever. It’s due less to my contract and more to a secret bank account my corporate owners and the IRS don’t know about. Source CommentReply

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05.16.2012

A window into our probable future: A few months ago, Google released a video for its Glass project that wowed people with augmented-reality wonderfulness. Now, they admit they just made shit up. “It’s still too early to know what the functions and UI will be,” a Googleite told Wired. We here at mosthorriblethingever.com found this video deeply inspiring. So, here’s a blog post that’s a “demo reel” of upcoming projects on this site. 1) Kittens that can fly using jetpacks. 2) An iPhone app that transforms any video of Betty White into an oiled-up chick in a bikini firing a minigun in slo-mo. 3) A fully armed and operational lightsaber. The best part is they are all compatible with Google Glass. Source CommentReply

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05.15.2012

We’ll do it, by god: As I like to remind mosthorriblethingever.com employees at the start of every meeting, this is a failing website. Typically, I blame them, but that’s really for their benefit. Fact is, I blame you, our readers. Actually, our 6 billion nonreaders. What to do to get hits, then? We’ve tried snark. We’ve tried vulgarity. We’ve even tried being nice to potential readers. Just kidding on that last one. I guess we’re gonna have to make this a site with nothing but cat videos. Source CommentReply

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Eye-searing yellow is the color for asshats, whether it be on a quarter-mil supercar like this Lamborghini or a web site like mosthorriblethingever.com that somehow manages to see hits and visitors decline day after day despite a seven-figure content budget. And, like mosthorriblethingever.com, this steroidinal Italian supercar is headed for one big embarrassing crash. Comment

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05.11.2012

That ’70s show

Generally when “Star Wars” is being ruined, George Lucas is behind it. In case you are wondering exactly what this is, it’s Donnie and Marie Ozymandias. We think. We did some searching and it turns out that it was a form of entertainment from the 1970s. Yeah, we don’t get it either. Leave a comment

05.09.2012

Looks like a foul ball to us

All the men on the mosthorriblethingever.com staff thinks the woman in this video is the one who got off easy. Leave a comment

05.04.2012

Actual shark with actual laser beam attached

The idea of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached was first floated in the mid-’90s. Obviously this is the culmination of years of research and testing. Coming next week: humanity conquered by laser sharks. Leave a comment

05.02.2012

She won the bronze

The last time we saw a face like that, it was actually a saddle. Even deep in the throes of ginger self-hatred, we were never tempted to turn ourselves into a mahogany endtable. Leave a comment

04.30.2012

Something’s happened and I’m head over heels

We thought it was bad when we hit a pothole with our car and bent an alloy rim. The Russians, just flip over that kind of thing. Leave a comment

02.11.2010

Oh god, oh man, oh god, oh man …

That Ryan O’Neal is quite the crackerjack actor — that is when he’s not trying to shoot his own son — as this scene from “Tough Guys Don’t Dance” proves. 6 comments

02.05.2010

The best political ad ever

Carly Fiorina may be getting headlines for her sheep ad, but she’s got nothing on Dwight McKenna and the chamber of horrors known as the New Orleans morgue. Though, better hope that liver didn’t come from a Mardi Gras attendee. 1 comment

02.04.2010

Let’s talk about sex

True Companion makes advanced sex robots — life sized with silicone skin that’s warm to the touch and the dead-eyed look of a real hooker — and have taken it to the next level by having them talk. Does it include a super-advanced feature where she tells you about her day? 3 comments

02.03.2010

Kitty is a very bad mystic

After we pointed out that cats are in league with the Devil, the crazy cat lady on our staff insisted we run something pro-cat. However, as you can see, even the motives of talking cats are not to be trusted. Leave a comment

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